After being caught in the act carrying out shamefully dishonest marketing practices by an array of whistleblowers, and routinely issues scathing reviews by every legitimate alcohol reviewer with an inkling of what the hell they’re talking about, Absinthe Review Network is finally passing the judgement on Le Tourment Vert. How will this abomination claiming to be “absinthe” fare under our brutal honesty and criticism?

This is the spitting image of wintergreen mouthwash. Light, artificial, unappealing. For a photo comparison with mouthwash, see the Fruko Schulz review, which is more or less the same shade. This stuff smells like floor cleaner neat, zero exaggeration. Heavily chemical nose with a wallop of unpleasant heat behind it.

There is a pitiful attempt at a louche, but it is weak and still off-coloured with the blueish hues retained. That’s “FD&C Blue#1” for you, folks.

But how does it taste? Synthetic and unbalanced. How the hell am I still getting this much alcohol fully-louched with LTV only being 100 proof? Post-louche the aroma graduates from floor cleaner to tolerable, just not anything close to genuine absinthe. To steal a line from Gary Vaynerchuk, it made me want to yell “Ri-co-la!”* Maybe my housemate is trying to get back at me from dropping his (Special Edition!) copy of Empire Strikes Back and plunked a Ricola in there while I wasn’t looking. Or maybe this absinthe is just shit. The flavours of the holy trinity of absinthe herbs are in sparse amounts. Eucalyptus and pine shove aside the anise and fennel like an outnumbered duo in a bar brawl. Too bad someone hadn’t smashed a couple bottles over the head of the poopball that formulated such a rubbish recipe at the Vinet-Ege distillery, or the market could‘ve avoided this disaster altogether. Finish is as sterile as medical-grade latex gloves, and tastes eerily similar as well.

Doublemeint gum, mouthwash, Ricola, floor cleaner…what else? Sea Breeze facial toner comes to mind. Astringent, contains a high measure of alcohol, AND is produced with eucalyptus, which is quite obvious on the nose of both. In fact, that probably describes it better than anything. So the next time your bottle of Sea Breeze runs dry and Rite Aid is closed, rest assured LTV will be there to save the day for your face.

Sea Breeze: The Next Generation, only $39.99...I'll stick with the Rite Aid brand.

Other Notes: If you haven’t gotten the hint yet, LTV is NOT ABSINTHE.   In such a politically-charged time, be sure to write your congressmen and women and demand a motion to halt sales.  At least that’ll mean something productive will be passed before Christmas.  *An herbal throat drop with a good deal of eucalyptus, mint, menthol, etc. that’s not very good tasting. Google it, for fuck’s sake.

Presentation: 7.5

Louche: 3.3

Taste: 2.2

Value: 1.0

The Judgement: 2.0/10